How Not to Do Graduation

It's graduation season-the time of year you see prom gowns and tuxedos, balloons on mailboxes and cars decorated with“Class of...” 

It's a time of celebration and optimism.

Our son will walking the stage in a few days to get his diploma. In between sprucing up the house and yard and tracking all the school graduation announcements, I’ve been thinking about the graduates.

Many are focused on their past accomplishments or just relieved to be done with school. Others are thinking about their futures, eager to start jobs or go off to college.

Many in both camps are also looking forward to their celebration. For some, it’ll be a big family dinner. For others it could be a party with friends. Our introverted students may just want to hang out with their parents and enjoy praise for their accomplishments or hear their parent’s stories about their graduations.

But as a family lawyer, I can’t help but think about the other graduates who won’t enjoy any of these scenarios. These are the kids whose parents went through a nasty break up that was toxic then and now.

These graduating seniors are having a very different experience—missing an absent parent or worrying about how their parents will (mis)behave at any joint celebration.

It's a sad fact that couples who don’t manage their brea-ups with thoughtful, mature and calm responses can ruin key milestones in their children’s lives. They can create nightmare memories and in more extreme cases, hijack childhoods. 

The toxicity created during the event of a break-up becomes a long term pattern, changing the family for years to come.

This can be true even for couples without kids. It’s the rare couple who’re totally contained. Most have friends in common, communities to which they belong (including extended families now connected through their partnership) and activities in which both participate. Badly handled break-ups can harm these relationships and communities, sometimes irrevocably.

What you built and shared goes beyond relationships. It includes:

• A lifestyle of places you go, things you do
• Principles by which you lived your lives
• Memories you created
• Money you saved
• Homes you made for yourselves, often filled with the“stuff”that you need or cherish

In other words, your life.

If your breakup is so bitter you can’t bear to think about it, you run the risk of blotting out all that went before. Essentially, you either will think back in pain or have to blot out years of your shared life. You run risks to your health and your finances if the decisions you make now are not well-researched, well-planned and well-executed.

Is not fair to have to do all of this in the middle of a lot of tough emotions, such as:

• Fear
• Sadness
• Anxiety
• Resentment or guilt (depending on your role in the breakup)
• Overwhelm
• Exhaustion

We know from science and medicine that it’s hard to think calmly when we’re upset–let alone plan, strategize, be creative or make good choices. But that is what you need to do. Now. In the midst of your breakup.

Your children, your financial future, and your wider community are all riding on that.

Adding to this unfairness, you’re going into an“adversarial” process. 

Our legal system (courts, judges, lawyers) all operate within an approach created centuries ago based on a combat model. So, while you won’t have someone jousting in armor or dueling at 40 paces, if you aren’t careful, you’ll have the modern day equivalent. The armor will be replaced by a suit and the pistol with a pen, but the idea's the same. If your lawyer focuses on their “win” you could miss creative solutions.

But what if you already know all this and want to do it differently?

Maybe you even called a lawyer to set an appointment for a consultation for both of you to try to avoid a court battle. You probably were told that you can’t both get advice from the same lawyer.

That’s because lawyers aren’t allowed to advise people who have competing interests (remember, courts are“adversarial” even if you know enough not to be where your family and your life are concerned).

The lawyer isn’t trying to be difficult. They are just following the rules of ethics for all lawyers, including conflict of interest rules.

So, what can you do instead?

In the posts that follow, we’ll talk about your options including:

• How To Find And Hire Lawyers With Proven Abilities to get good and fair settlements (and ones that can get along themselves with other lawyers). This includes specially trained Collaborative lawyers.
• Do It Yourself using Court Facilitators and Document Preparation (a great option when you know your legal rights and duties, know what you want to do, but just need help with the paperwork)
• Do it Yourselves using “limited scope” lawyers including how to find and work with them so you limit their role (and the costs, risks and time involved in your case) without giving up solid legal advice, creative strategies and practical support.

Disclaimer: this post is not a substitute for legal advice and does not create a lawyer-clientrelationship. If you would like either, please apply to work with us.